Beach Satire, post Memorial Day

This piece is titled "Hole Diggers". It is satire, and I wrote it sitting in my beach chair in Myrtle Beach SC a couple of years ago. I had just watched two people trip in holes that kids had dug in the surf.

Enjoy:

Warning! Watch out for the race of creatures known as Hole Diggers. They are dangerous and a menace to our beaches and shoreline.

These small creatures look like little human beings with large heads, which appear on beaches in mid June each year. Many people believe they come up from out of the sand when the sun warms the beach to a critical temperature.

Sometimes they are organized and work in teams, others are single units working individually. They all have some commonalities; Hole Diggers are usually wet, and covered in sand (often seen piling sand on themselves or others), they use tools such as miniature shovels and brightly colored buckets, in the absence of tools they are quite articulate with the use of their hands to dig holes.

Most often the Hole Diggers conduct their mischief right at the waters edge, but sometimes they choose to work in the dryer sand a few yards up from the surf line. It is clear that they value the depth and diameter of the holes they dig, the bigger the better.

Be certain of this, the Hole Diggers are malevolent in nature, they dig their holes and leave them hoping someone will fall into them and twist their ankle, knee, or worse. It has even been observed where a family of three Hole Diggers has successfully buried a man up to his neck, obviously they were trying to suffocate the poor unsuspecting fellow. Sure they are cute, but remember they are out to get you.

While strolling the waters edge watch out for the little buggers they will run right into you if you do not pay attention to them. Hole Diggers have no awareness of your presence and are random in their movements. Illogical and with great energy they run back and forth in the ocean wash. Pay attention, they will knock you over easily.

The best news of all is that the Hole Diggers vanish mysteriously right after Labor Day each year. It is much safer to go to the beach in late September or early October.

There is a theory that the Hole Diggers dig really deep holes at the end of the season and climb in with their tools, pulling the sand in over their heads. There they hibernate all winter long until the sun warms the sand again in the spring signaling their rise from the earth to reek havoc on beaches everywhere.

Some people say the Hole Diggers are mythical creatures like snipes. I know this is not so, I see them everywhere. The call of the creature usually sounds like “Mommee, Maaaaomee, Maaaaaaaaaaomee” many times repeated at a very loud volume, and seems to drive some women and men insane. Beware the Hole Diggers.